Frosty the What?

Frosty the Snowman: Children's Companion or Malevolent Manipulator?


THE VILLAGE SQUARE – Hello, Deviants. Birdy Wyndham here, reporting to you live from the Village Square, where only yesterday, a snowman led a rampage through the town.

The villain responsible for this heinous act?

It is none other than the "benevolent" Frosty the snowman.

Yes, Frosty. A snowman so cruel, so malicious, so utterly and completely evil, that--

…

You don't believe me. You're laughing; I can hear you one the other side of the computer screen, snickering at these accusations.

Well, they're all true, I tell you! And all my proof lies buried in the "innocent" children's song (which, by the way, was written as a warning about this monster).

Let's take a piece-by-piece look at the song, shall we?



Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul,
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal.

Was. Past-tense. Something happened to him, perhaps?


Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale, they say,
He was made of snow but the children
Know how he came to life one day.
There must have been some magic in that
Old silk hat they found.
For when they placed it on his head
He began to dance around.
O, Frosty the snowman
Was alive as he could be,
And the children say he could laugh
And play just the same as you and me.

So we have this shaped lump of inanimate snow. Then, these innocent children find "an old silk hat" and place it on his head.
The snowman (who up until this point has been a lifeless pile of crystallized water) promptly begins jumping around and singing and dancing, and the children LIKE IT? They don't flip out and start beating the snowman to death? Good grief, those poor scarred kids... Can you say "therapy"?


Frosty the snowman knew
The sun was hot that day,
So he said, "Let's run and
We'll have some fun
Now before I melt away."

"Fun"? Dare I ask what this thing's idea of "fun" is?
I ask, and we find out in the next part...


Down to the village,
With a broomstick in his hand,
Running here and there all
Around the square saying,
"Catch me if you can."

DESTRUCTION OF PUBLIC PROPERTY! TRESPASSING! DON'T YOU SEE WHAT A HORRIBLE EXAMPLE THIS... THIS... THIS OVER-GROWN BALL OF SNOW IS SETTING FOR THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD?! CAN'T YOU SEE IT?!

And where did he get the broomstick, anyway? I don't recall it being mentioned before. Maybe those children did try and beat the living snot out of Frosty after all, and he snatched the broomstick away from them.


He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop.
And he only paused a moment when
He heard him holler "Stop!"
For Frosty the snow man
Had to hurry on his way,
But he waved goodbye saying,
"Don't you cry,
I'll be back again some day."

And here you can see he leads the poor children around like the Pied Piper, and doesn't even listen to an officer of the law. And then what does he do? Flees the scene of the crime. He resists arrest.
And then he threatens the poor souls with a warning that he'd be back. TO HAUNT THEM.


Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Look at Frosty go.
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Over the hills of snow.

Little-know fact: The "thumpetty thump thump"s are snowballs being hurled at the snowman in an attempt to BRING HIM DOWN.



So there you have it. The song, and it's underlying meaning and warning, laid clear for all to see.

I hope that now you, too, see Frosty for what he really is – a malevolent manipulative monster.


Until next time, this is Birdy Wyndham, signing off.