Oedipus Rex, As Told By Birdy

[Okay, so. The city of Thebes is suffering from a plague. Desperate to find out WHY this is, a group of people known as The Chorus travel to the Palace to talk to the king, Oedipus. Once there, Oedipus comes out and speaks with them.]

Oedipus: Hey, what can I do for you?

The Chorus: Oh, king Oedipus! The city is suffering from a Plague! You are the king - you must do something!

Oedipus: Yes, I am the king, and therefore I will do something.

The Chorus: Yay! He's going to do something!

Oedipus: You know, I bet we're suffering from this Plague because the murder of the previous king, Laius, was never solved. If we solve the murder, I bet the Plague will go away!

The Chorus: We think you're right! We must solve the murder!

Oedipus: Then let the search begin! Oh, and may a horrible curse be on the guy who did it, unless he confesses. Then I'll just banish him instead.

The Chorus: We agree!

Oedipus: Call for that blind seer, Tiresias! He's smart - speaks to the gods themselves! And he always tells the truth, so we can totally trust him. We can solve this by sundown!

[So they do just that. Tiresias is summoned, and comes to see ol' king Oeddy. But what he has to say is rather surprising...]

Tiresias: Oedipus, stop this now. You don't want to know the answers you're looking for.

Oedipus: Huh?

Tiresias: You heard me. Call off the search. You'll be a lot happier, trust me.

Oedipus: But I wanna know!

Tiresias: Call off the search! I am NOT going to tell you anything!

Oedipus: BUT WHY NOT?

Tiresias: I ALREADY TOLD YOU! You do NOT want to know!

Oedipus: Grah! You are so annoying and vague! Why, I bet you could make a ROCK angry! And in fact, I'm beginning to think that YOU killed Laius, or at least conspired with the killer.

Tiresias: ... You're an idiot. Okay, fine. You really want to know who killed Laius? It was you.

Oedipus: LIAR!!!

Tiresias: ...I don't have time for this. You there, boy! Help me home.

[Tiresas exits, and Oedipus sulks. Enter Oedipus' brother-in-law, Ceron.]

Ceron: What's up, Oeddy?

Oedipus: That mean ol' Tiresias said I killed the old king, Laius. Can you believe it?

Ceron: ...Well, he IS never wrong...

Oedipus: Not you too! Grr... Why is everyone trying to frame me? I bet you killed him, and now you want to kill me too, so you can become king!

Creon: Uh, Oeddy? I already have all the same power as you, but like, zero responsibility. I can actually sleep at night. Why on EARTH would I want to give that up, only to gain insomnia?

Oedipus: You're the criminal mastermind, not me.

Creon: What?!

[Enter Queen Jocasta, Oedipus' wife, and widow of Laius, the late king of Thebes.]

Jocasta: CHILDREN, enough! Stop fighting! We're trying to solve a murder, remember? Be nice!

Creon: *sighs* Okay, sis.

Oedipus: But he started it!

Jocasta: *deathglare*

Oedipus: *mutters* Fine...

Ceron: I'll be in my room if you need me. I'm not staying here to be insulted.

[Creon leaves. Jocasta and Oedipus remain.]

Jocasta: Oeddy, why do you want to know who killed Laius so badly?

Oedipus: Because it will stop the Plague! I'm sure of it!

Jocasta: And?

Oedipus: And nothing.

Jocasta: Oedipus...

Oedipus: Okay, okay! And I'm worried. What if Tiresias was telling the truth? What if I really did kill Laius?

Jocasta: I doubt that. Laius was killed years ago. Right before you showed up, actually.

Oedipus: Good point. But still, we should be sure.

Jocasta: Anything else?

Oedipus: Well, there is this Prophecy...

Jocasta: Oh?

Oedipus: Yeah, some drunk guy said I was going to kill my father and marry my mother, and an Oracle confirmed it, so I ran away from home.

Jocasta: Oh, my...

Oedipus: Yeah, I know. Then on the road to Thebes I met a jerk who wouldn't move off the road and let me pass, so I killed him.

Jocasta: ...Really...

Oedipus: Yup. Then I met that Sphinx and solved its riddle, so it jumped off a cliff.

Jocasta: That sure is an...interesting story.

Oedipus: Isn't it, though? Well, I sure hope that messenger I sent out shows up soon.

[The Messenger arrives.]

Messenger: Hail, Oedipus!

Oedipus: Yay, it's the Messenger! What news do you bring?

Messenger: I found a Shepherd who knows stuff!

Oedipus: YAY! Send for him right away!

Messenger: Yes, sir!

[The Messenger leaves to do just that.]

Jocasta: Are you sure that's a good idea?

Oedipus: Of course I am!

Jocasta: If you say so...

[The Messenger leaves to get the Shepherd. Meanwhile, another Messenger, this one from Corinth, arrives.]

Corinth Messenger: Great news, your highness! Your father just died!

Oedipus: Sad though this is, there is a glimmer of joy. The Prophecy was wrong!

Jocasta: Good, now we can forget all this and go back to normal.

Oedipus: Not yet. We still need to find out who killed Laius!

Jocasta: GAH.

[The Shepherd arrives.]

Shepherd: Why did you summon me?

Oedipus: Well, I--

Corinth Messenger: Hey, I know you! We used to work for Laius as Shepherds!

Shepherd: ...I'm sorry, I've never seen you in my life.

Corinth Messenger: Sure you have! You gave me that baby, remember? The one with the spikes through its ankles?

Shepherd: CAN IT!

Oedipus: Wait, what? What about his ankles?

Shepherd: Nothing, nothing!

Oedipus: Tell me, or else!

Shepherd: You would torture an old man? Fine. It's true.

Jocasta: ...Aw, crud.

Oedipus: And you, Corinth Messenger, where did you take the baby?

Jocasta: Oedipus, honey, shut up.

Oedipus: Huh?

Jocasta: Shut up. Stop right here. No more searching.

Oedipus: But I wanna know!

Jocasta: MISERABLE. That's what you are! MISERABLE.

[Jocasta runs inside the Palace.]

Oedipus: ...So this baby. Where did you take him?

Corinth Messenger: To Corinth. I gave him to the King and Queen, and they raised him as their own.

Oedipus: ...Crud. I'm an idiot.

[Oedipus runs inside the Palace, obviously upset.

Shortly thereafter, a Messenger from the Palace comes out.]

Palace Messenger: ...Uh, the Queen just killed herself.

The Chorus: Oh, no!

Palace Messenger: Yeah, I know. She hung herself. Oedipus ran inside but was too late to stop her. He wouldn't let anyone inside.

The Chorus: Oh, poor Queen Jocasta! Oh, poor King Oedipus!

Palace Messenger: Then we broke in just in time to see Oedipus gouge out his eyes with a brooch from Jocasta's gown. And would you look at that, here he comes now.

Oedipus: PITY ME, for I am stupid! I did not see what was right in front of me!

[Enter Creon.]

Creon: Good grief, get inside. You're making a fool of yourself.

Oedipus: NO! You must banish me.

Creon: We'll discuss this later. Inside, now.

Oedipus: NO, I MUST BE BANISHED!

Creon: Guh, fine.

Oedipus: But let me see my daughters first!

Creon: ...Do you WANT to scar them for life?!

Oedipus: Please!

Creon: *sigh* Fine. I'll summon them...

[Enter Oedipus' daughters.]

Oedipus: Oh, my daughters! No one will marry you, because I am also your brother, as well as father. Woe to us!

Creon: Okay, time to go.

Oedipus: NO, DON'T TAKE THEM FROM ME!

Creon: Time. To. Go.

[Oedipus' daughters and Creon enter the Palace, Oedipus leaves to wander the hills.]

The Chorus: So what have we learned from all this? Don't call anyone happy until they die.


~THE END~